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Last time I looked at the mirror I was looking less like myself and more like Jesus of Nazareth in his days of early puberty. I don’t to sound shallow by carrying on about that now, but if you really must know, it is things like my hair and skin. Just to give you an idea, the humidity is doing things to my overgrown hair and I haven’t had the time to tend to myself because of the kids tummies and have developed a hint of a moustache and some moisture induced acne to go with it. There are other things too that are not working out for me right now. I have had to do so many tests and witness such loose and generous bowel movements that I have composed a verse on dysentery.
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Next on list of the not good things to happen to me since I returned to Bombay from Europe is that both my kids have been under the weather with tummy related issues and a viral. You may presubscribe for your copies of the same on this very site. Fifty ways of getting even with EL James. My fantasies will be about getting even with EL James and her publicist. I am going to write a book about my fantasies. How exactly does someone ‘cajole’ someone ‘through clenched teeth’? I wish she could do it for me so I can see where I am going wrong. We are surprised at what out world has come to if such pedestrian fiction written in poor English has become all the rage. “The explosion of interest has taken me completely by surprise” she is supposed to have said. She has spoken of her shock at the success of the book. I am certain that a sizeable percentage of her royalties from the sales of her books shall be spent on their therapy eventually. “All my fantasies in there, and that’s it.” These are her fantasies? And what does she think about her sons reading about her almost ridiculous bordering on hilarious (not to mention boring) fantasies? James has two teenage sons. James has described the Fifty Shades trilogy, as “This is my midlife crisis, writ large,”. We could start by whipping James in the elevator, in the car park, near the piano, in the kitchen,in Charlie Tango, in a hardware store, in a barnyard and finally in the Red Room. One could quickly follow this up by giving a sound thrashing at the rear end of James’ repetitive ‘subconscious’.
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One could start with whipping Anastasia Steele’s (read EL James’)’inner Goddess’ who is forever doing gymnastic. Someone needs to be whipped for doing this to the world in general and to me in particular. I believe there are other people in this world, who suffer the same. I rolled my eyes so much through my sleepless jet lagged nights, as I moved from one stupid page of this stupid book to the next, that now my eyes are rolling themselves involuntarily all the time making me look rather ridiculous.
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Therapy from boredom intermingled with disgust. I was so enraged after reading Fifty Shades that if it wasn’t for my demanding life as a wife and a mother, I would have checked into a clinic over the weekend for therapy. I decided to give it a go and when I picked up this book at Waterstone’s in London I was gratified to see at least three other women in the queue holding their own copies of the same. A friend who was in the US at that time, and whose intellect I have never doubted, had been reading the book and mentioned its popularity to me. What in the name of God was she thinking when she wrote this trashy trilogy that Salman Rushdie has so eloquently called ‘Fifty shades of tripe’? Worse still, why has this book outsold JK Rowling? I finished the entire book in an effort to find an answer to that question. While I hope I will be able to redeem my respect for self and forgive myself for doing the same in the future, I have no hope of every being able to forgive EL James. I am ashamed to admit that I read this pathetic novel to be able to deal with my jet lag. At the top of my list of those things is Fifty Shades of Grey. Since I have been back from my vacation some not very good things have happened. I have noticed that the universe has its own way of telling you that the party is over.